Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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