you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We smell like vodka and hangover
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