No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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