Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
