i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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