some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
