I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
