3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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