Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
