if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
