I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
