Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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