I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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