Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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