I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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