just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
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He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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