theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
