hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
