she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
