Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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