if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
