history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
