i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
