i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
