I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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