So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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