the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
These tits shall not be calmed
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