I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
