so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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