i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
