i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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