He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i now understand why vodka
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
