you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My feet surprised me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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