a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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