You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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