im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
