i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
