u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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