After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
