My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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