what day is it and did you see me today?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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