There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
