Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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