My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
