Plan B is the new Plan A
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
