for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
