I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
