I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
