Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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