Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
