So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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