No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
