I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
