I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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