this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
