but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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