we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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