how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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