If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
