I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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